Satisfied

“No change”.

This was the word I received from my oncologist in a phone call today. Last week’s CT scan of my right lung noted no changes (or growth) to the nodule seen in March, and they want to re-scan it again in 6 months. An enlarged lymph node was noted as well. I guess I am suppose to feel relieved….”satisfied”….but somehow I feel, well, in limbo.  Like I am waiting for a bomb to drop. They wouldn’t give me the “all clear”…And maybe this feeling comes from having been through cancer and having a bomb dropped on me once before, without warning, without symptoms, vulnerable and scared.  A post traumatic stress disorder, of sorts.  Always feeling like I must remain on guard. Always on watch. Terrified of it coming back again, terrified of it killing me.  I’ve probably read w-a-y too many stories and heard far too many unfavorable outcomes, and so it’s easy to let myself fear the worst, but then I must remind myself that all too often its not the good outcome stories we hear about or the stories of triumph and survival, and I know there are far more of those than not .  But for the time being I must be satisfied with this result and consider it as my doctor said, “good news”. 🙂  I am taking an oral anti-cancer drug now which is suppose to starve off any lingering cancer cells that might try to grow, and I take this drug for the next 5 years so I am doing everything within my power to stay cancer free.  That is all I can do.  “Give it up to God” what I can’t do, as my son says!  Besides, there’s nothing telling us this that this nodule is cancerous,  unless it starts to grow, and so that is what they keep checking.

This coming weekend that son, Keith, graduates from high school and leaves 2 days later to work at Young Life camp at US Army Camp Darby, Italy, on crew along with a couple hundred other staffers.  We are busy getting him packed up and ready to be away for a month.  Needless to say he is a wee bit excited!

Fathers Day orders poured in last week and I have been busily stamping up my projects and trying to stay afloat! This, plus making plans for Tim’s retirement and booking all of the details for our England/Ireland trip give me little time for fretting! Now to go to a cupcake!

Here is a great song about how I know one can get through trials of any kind. It is called “I Get On My Knees”. It’s called prayer…crying out to the heart of God…take a listen! If you can’t see the embed video, click here . “Cuz I’ve learned in laughter or in pain, how to SURVIVE! I get on my knees!”

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4 thoughts on “Satisfied

  1. I was just thinking of having a cupcake, but I’m thinking you’ve earned yours and I should have a piece of fruit instead!

    I so appreciate what you share.

    Hugs and Love.

  2. I really do understand all the implications of what you’re saying here. I have similar feelings even as I try to be optimistic. In a way, that allows me to appreciate simply living in ways others who’ve never been challenged in the way we (& other cancer survivors) have. Good luck to your new graduate; the impending retirement and travel certainly give you something special to look forward to.

  3. I’m sorry you feel in limbo, but I’m happy the thing hasn’t grown! Enjoy your trip to this side of the pond…. God bless x

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