8 days and counting down to my LAST chemo treatment! You’d think I would be jumping for joy, but instead I am crying at the drop of a hat. Emotion is at the edge of my eyes and tears flow like April showers. Sometimes at a simple thought, sometimes for no reason at all. Sometimes I ask myself if I will really ever feel like cancer is “over”. Looming worry is always tip-toeing in my shadow. 8 more months of infusion treatments over the course of the next year, scans scheduled and follow ups…when can I call myself a survivor? Some say I should claim it NOW, but I still fee like I am in the fight.
Physically, fatigue drags me through my day. I sleep a lot, both at night and with several naps during the day. Simple tasks, such as walking to get the mail just a few hundred feet down the driveway, takes effort. My fingernails now all feel like they have been hit with a hammer at the tips and are tender to the touch. Still, I don’t have any nausea and am cooking dinners again, which I enjoy. All those days of laying on the couch and watching Food Network after chemo have inspired me! 🙂 Still, I wake up every day with no hair and that image alone brings me to tears.
Curtis was home from college this past weekend ,and as he packed up his things to travel back, he asked me to sew a hole in his pants. I quickly did so and he packed them tightly into his duffle bag with a “thanks mom”. There I was, crying like a baby and remembering the years and years of darning their socks or fixing a torn sleeve when they were little….thinking now of how grown up he is and that he is leaving home again.
They tell me that chemo will induce an early menopause, and many of my chemo friends are cursing the hot flashes and night sweats in their 30’s and 40’s, which I have not experienced yet. The emotional ride is what I seem to be having right now. Mascara running off of my three remaining eyelashes every day…I guess if I never have the ‘other’ I will be elated!! I am w-a-y too young for that!
Spring is here and Easter is next Sunday. Birds are chirping and flowers blooming. Signs of new life and fresh beginnings remind me that change is coming. Sometimes these are just happy tears that God knows my inner thoughts and desire for a brighter day. I must believe that it is coming.