A Weepy Mess

il_430xn101327148 days and counting down to my LAST chemo treatment!  You’d think I would be jumping for joy, but instead I am crying at the drop of a hat. Emotion is at the edge of my eyes and tears flow like April showers.  Sometimes at a simple thought, sometimes for no reason at all. Sometimes I ask myself  if I will really ever feel like cancer is “over”. Looming worry is always tip-toeing in my shadow.  8 more months of infusion treatments over the course of the next year, scans scheduled and follow ups…when can I call myself a survivor?  Some say I should claim it NOW, but I still fee like I am in the  fight.

Physically, fatigue drags me through my day.  I sleep a lot, both at night and with several naps during the day.  Simple tasks, such as walking to get the mail just a few hundred feet down the driveway, takes effort.  My fingernails now all feel like they have been hit with a hammer at the tips and are tender to the touch.  Still, I don’t have any nausea and am cooking dinners again, which I enjoy.  All those days of laying on the couch and watching Food Network after chemo have inspired me! 🙂 Still, I wake up every day with no hair and that image alone brings me to tears.

Curtis was home from college this past weekend ,and as he packed up his things to travel back, he asked me to sew a hole in his pants.  I quickly did so and he packed them tightly into his duffle bag with a “thanks mom”.  There I was, crying like a baby and remembering the years and years of darning their socks or fixing a torn sleeve when they were little….thinking now of  how grown up he is and that he is leaving home again.

They tell me that chemo will induce an early menopause, and many of my chemo friends are cursing the hot flashes and night sweats in their 30’s and 40’s, which I have not experienced yet. The emotional ride is what I seem to be having right now.  Mascara running off of my three remaining eyelashes every day…I guess if I never have the ‘other’ I will be elated!!  I am w-a-y too young for that!

Spring is here and Easter is next Sunday.  Birds are chirping and flowers blooming.  Signs of new life and fresh beginnings remind me that change is coming.  Sometimes these are just happy tears that God knows my inner thoughts and desire for a brighter day.  I must believe that it is coming.

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3 thoughts on “A Weepy Mess

  1. Hi Koryn,

    Your thoughts are all completely normal. I wish that I could do or say more to help you through all this. I am also sure it is hard to try to remain positive all the time when there are days you just don’t feel that way.

    Each new day brings new morning light and I pray that each day will have something special and wonderful in store for you. You have traveled a road much rougher than any road I have traveled…and I am sure you have grown much stronger.

    I’m praying for you!

    Blessings,
    Pam

  2. Oh. Here is a spring hug. This will pass and you are a survivor. I know we hate to cry but the Bible says Jesus collects our tears…they must be worth something.
    xoxoDi

  3. Hi,
    I followed you over from BlogCatalog. Reading your blog and your story was a shock to me as your situation sounded so similar to my BC. I too am her2 + and have been receiving Herceptin for almost a year now. I completely understand about the tears and being weepy. Let me just say that it is completely normal to be experiencing these emotions. I would love to say more in an email but couldn’t see you email address. Could you email me back so I can talk to you more? I find it really helpful to connect with other women in our situation. The love and support I have built with others has been a God send. Take care and God bless,
    Cindy

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