Have you ever been on an amusement park ride that seemed it would never end? The festivals in Europe have some like that…the kind that just twirl and twirl and twirl and make you sick.
I remember my third son got on a ride in Germany once that was a long train type car, on a hilly up an and down, wavy track. Seemingly harmless fun for a 7 year old, right? All seats faced forward, but some sadistic – minded car operator grimaced, and the thing began going BACKWARDS for what felt like hours on end, faster and faster! Children were screaming and crying for it to stop. Parents waiting on the side rails , like me, felt helpless. (And cheated out of what was supposed to be forward, harmless, fun).
Well I have now been on this chemo ride for 2 and a half months exactly. I’ve had all the side effects I was warned of, some to lesser degrees than others, nothing very unexpected, some yet to be fully realized, but a ride I am ready to get off now. But I can’t. It won’t stop.
I have never been very good at endurance. I have quit most difficult things I have begun in my life. Private schooling. Piano lessons. Jogging (my husband says I tricked him into thinking I was athletic by jogging with him while we dated, then quiting). Truth is, I hate to sweat , but hey I looked the part! (22 years later I hope he has forgiven me this one thing!) I have quit jobs that got too messy, quit letters I never finished, quit projects that overwhelmed me, and quit diets that didn’t yield results fast enough. One thing I have never quit on, though, is relationships. They are precious to me and irreplaceable. So I press on, through thick and thin – they matter most in my life. No matter how tough.
My relationship to cancer is not a nice one. He hates me and I hate him. But I am not quitting my fight until he is gone. I might FEEL like quitting, but then I am reminded that many people in my life are counting on me and believe in me even when I don’t believe I am strong enough. Somehow I have convinced them that I am, and they remind me of it daily. People told me this would be hard. I guess I just didn’t know how hard. I thank God every day that the sun goes down and tomorrow is another day, and often proves to be a better day. He is so wise like that! And I am glad He’s in my corner cheering me on, pressing me back in the ring!