Today was our first snowfall of the year! Yeah! Being a California girl, I get very excited about snow! When I was growing up it never snowed, in fact we had to drive hours to Lake Tahoe to see snow. So today’s 3 inches brings a fresh new feel to the air and a reason to get outside a bit, escaping from my warm cocoon on the couch where I have been hibernating for days. I have a treatment tomorrow morning at the hospital but they are calling for an ice storm tonight which makes me wonder how I will get there! We will have to wait and see, possibly going a little later in the day after things have melted. My nausea seems to ongoing this cycle, but I am resisting the medications as they make me VERY loopy and foggy feeling. I keep those for night time! I am beginning to feel the “slump” which occurs about 7 days following chemo therapy where the white blood cell count drops and the bone marrow begins to rebuild. I feel like my body has turned to Jell-O, as if the blood has drained right out of me. Barely up from the couch and I feel like I need to lay down again. This lasts about 4 days. Thankfully the kids were off school today and dear friends brought dinner yesterday for tonight, knowing that the weather may get bad. I am thankful everyone is taken care of. I have not succumbed to watching soap operas, rather, I have been up on all the political goings on and recent economic woes, trying to educate myself instead of becoming a vegetable. At least I will be a more interesting person at the end of all of this! Oh yes, and I have watched every imaginable talk show there is on TV during the day! I have never even heard of some of these hosts before!
All of this time alone has had me thinking about my life a year from now, who I will be, who I will become. For so many years my life was defined by motherhood, being the wife of a servicemember, and being a teacher and a crafter, but somehow now I feel myself taking on a new person. I don’t know who she is yet, and sometimes it is scary because I don’t want cancer to define who I am in the end. I just want normal back.